Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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