i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
