This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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