Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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