if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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