I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
