Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
