ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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