Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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