first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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