I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
