Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize