I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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