fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
