Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
His nipple licking is glorious
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