I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
