watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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