Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
