how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize