The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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