We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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