i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
