You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We just shotgunned beers for America
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
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