Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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