She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
