I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
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