i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
