is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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