I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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