Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
