im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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