I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
