PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
