Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
So squirting runs in the family.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
