I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
