i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
