I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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