vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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