I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
