I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
