He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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