Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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