In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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