My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I am available for nakedness
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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