I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
