HIV tests are more positive than that guy
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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