Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
