Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
my being single is dangerous.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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