When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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