i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
