remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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