question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
