Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
