so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
