Yo dont text me then not text me
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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