highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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