he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
