I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
