There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
