I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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