I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
